“Mommy! You are suppose to sign here“; When the nurse said that looking at me, I was blinking for a while.“ Mommy!! Is she referring to me”???
The word Mother sounded so strange to me. The world just paused for moment when I looked down at the paper, all I could see was the word M.O.T.H.E.R
Yes, I am mommy now. Yet another benchmark in my life and how can I not write about the emotional journey I am going through.
August 30th 2013 was the D-day. Wonder why our little girl chose to pop out 18 days earlier. The moment I delivered, I did experience PURE LOVE. I couldn’t believe, all these nine months I was making a tiny little soul inside me. For that short span of time, you just feel so God like. I guess the word is divine. All through my pregnancy I kept telling Mr. beau, “ I have two hearts now, I am divine”! :) This entire concept of giving birth to a life is just so magical and I am sure any mother would vouch for it.
She is a month old today and I am a month old mommy. How am I suppose to feel? According to the books and how the world projects, Motherhood is blissful, heavenly and what not. But “NO” I don’t feel any of it right now. I look extremely shabby, I have hardly stepped out of the house and I’m all the time surrounded with diapers, poop, pee and yes, my sleepless nights too have started. I was kind of prepared for it, but didn’t know I would crave for it so badly.
The first one week, I had a big time problem waking up in the nights. The moment she starts crying, in deep slumber my evil brain would tell me “ No you have not heard that, just ignore and go to sleep”, and on the other side, the Wannbe Mother in me would tell” Just wake up you idiot, your daughter needs you”.When my baby is awake, all I want to do is put her to sleep, and when she is sleeping all I want to do is wake her up. By the way babies look the best when they are asleep.
Babies have this weird nasal screech when they cry. It gets very annoying when they cry continuously for more than five minutes. Your brain completely stops working, at least mine does and most of the time I am thoroughly clueless.
But there are also many little joys of being a mother; you just want to show off your baby to the world. Mr. beau and I literally fight as to who is going to carry her when we take her out. Believe me, we have had serious fights. We both want our features in her.
You also get to see a tinier, better version of yourself grow into a beautiful being.When I see my baby smile, I have this pride feeling that somewhere down the line, I have created that smile. It makes your day for sure.
Today is our baby’s first milestone. In fact it’s a milestone for all the 3 of us. I am happy and I know it, but at the same time I am tired, droopy, sleepy, my head spins, and most of the time i am worried. Worried ,why my baby has not pooped, Worried, if I will fit into my old jeans?? Worried, will my relationship with Mr. beau change? (My perspective towards him has already changed, I see more of a father and less of a husband in him) Worried, when can I just relax and watch a good movie, Worried, if I will ever be able to give in my 100% to my work or will I keep worrying about my baby all the time. Basically there is a lot of worrying. Is this is what motherhood all about??
In the course of my pregnancy, I had always wondered what kind of mother would I be?? Will my child look up to me?? Now, after reflecting my thoughts over this past one month, I seriously can’t help, but wonder, if I am good enough to nurture a life?? Because I am still discovering myself as a woman, as a wife, as a daughter and most importantly just as a human being. I have so many questions unanswered. There is so much more to see, do and learn. How am I going to help my baby discover her world??
I really want to know, if I am the only new mommy who feels the above? If any of the new mommies happen to read this post, please do leave a comment.
For now, like I said in my previous post all I am going to do is JUST EXPLORE!!
