One Month of Mommyhood!

“Mommy! You are suppose to sign here“; When the nurse said that looking at me, I was blinking for a while.“ Mommy!! Is she referring to me”???
The word Mother sounded so strange to me. The world just paused for moment when I looked down at the paper, all I could see was the word M.O.T.H.E.R

Yes, I am mommy now. Yet another benchmark in my life and how can I not write about the emotional journey I am going through.

August 30^th 2013 was the D-day. Wonder why our little girl chose to pop out 18 days earlier. The moment I delivered, I did experience PURE LOVE. I couldn’t believe, all these nine months I was making a tiny little soul inside me.  For that short span of time, you just feel so God like. I guess the word is divine. All through my pregnancy I kept telling Mr. beau, “ I have two hearts now, I am divine”! :)  This entire concept of giving birth to a life is just so magical and I am sure any mother would vouch for it.

 She is a month old today and I am a month old mommy. How am I suppose to feel? According to the books and how the world projects, Motherhood is blissful, heavenly and what not. But “NO” I don’t feel any of it right now. I look extremely shabby, I have hardly stepped out of the house and I’m all the time surrounded with diapers, poop, pee and yes, my sleepless nights too have started. I was kind of prepared for it, but didn’t know I would crave for it so badly.

The first one week, I had a big time problem waking up in the nights. The moment she starts crying, in deep slumber my evil brain would tell me “ No you have not heard that, just ignore and go to sleep”, and on the other side, the Wannbe Mother in me would tell” Just wake up you idiot, your daughter needs you”.When my baby is awake, all I want to do is put her to sleep, and when she is sleeping all I want to do is wake her up. By the way babies look the best when they are asleep.

Babies have this weird nasal screech when they cry. It gets very annoying when they cry continuously for more than five minutes. Your brain completely stops working, at least mine does and most of the time I am thoroughly clueless.

But there are also many little joys of being a mother; you just want to show off your baby to the world. Mr. beau and I literally fight as to who is going to carry her when we take her out. Believe me, we have had serious fights. We both want our features in her.
You also get to see a tinier, better version of yourself grow into a beautiful being.When I see my baby smile, I have this pride feeling that somewhere down the line, I have created that smile. It makes your day for sure.

 Today is our baby’s first milestone. In fact it’s a milestone for all the 3 of us. I am happy and I know it, but at the same time I am tired, droopy, sleepy, my head spins, and most of the time i am worried. Worried ,why my baby has not pooped, Worried, if I will fit into my old jeans??  Worried, will my relationship with Mr. beau change? (My perspective towards him has already changed, I see more of a father and less of a husband in him) Worried, when can I just relax and watch a good movie, Worried, if I will ever be able to give in my 100% to my work or will I keep worrying about my baby all the time. Basically there is a lot of worrying. Is this is what motherhood all about??

In the course of my pregnancy, I had always wondered what kind of mother would I be?? Will my child look up to me?? Now, after reflecting my thoughts over this past one month, I seriously can’t help, but wonder, if I am good enough to nurture a life?? Because I am still discovering myself as a woman, as a wife, as a daughter and most importantly just as a human being. I have so many questions unanswered. There is so much more to see, do and learn. How am I going to help my baby discover her world??

Right now my emotions are fluctuating from being thrilled to being terrified, from “No way I cannot do this!” to “Yes I can!”.

I really want to know, if I am the only new mommy who feels the above? If any of the new mommies happen to read this post, please do leave a comment.

For now, like I said in my previous post all I am going to do is JUST EXPLORE!!

One Year of Togetherness

It’s been 1 full year, 52 weeks, 365 days and 8765 hours (I googled that) and it still feels like yesterday. 

Yet another benchmark in my life and I had to write about it.

In this one-year of married life, there have been days of pure bliss and happiness but also days of sadness and loneliness, days of pure fun and adventure but also days of laziness and sleep, days of celebrating success and achievement but also days of depression and frustration.

I have gone through zillions of emotions in this past one year. And in a way, life is an amalgamation of emotions right? So I guess marriage has definitely strengthened my EQ.

It’s been a year of change, Well, I was kind of prepared for it, but was not prepared for such a drastic CHANGE . From a selfish, self absorbed, pampered girl to a loving wife.

It’s been a learning experience, where in I have struggled in the kitchen to prepare a simple edible meal for Mr beau. Where I have realized that there is big big difference between romance and love. Romance is something which is sooo filmy, fun and glamorous. Romance is a great candle light dinner, but the actual bliss and love is when extreme hunger strikes and you still want to share a single slice of pizza with your partner.

There have been days where I have screwed big time embarrassing Mr beau just to seek some attention, and learned that how important it is to forgive and forget. Where I have experienced loneliness, and have realized how important family and friends are in one’s life. Where I have learnt that it’s not easy to be a homemaker and it requires a lot of planning and what not. (It’s a big big chore to go do your grocery shopping every month).  I have developed a sudden level of respect for all our moms who have excelled the art of being a homemaker, without expecting anything in return. Where I have learned to keep a track of your finances and art of managing money (it sounds easy, but believe me, its actually a task).

There have been moments of inspiration and spirituality too. There have been moments of sudden burst of knowledge, ideas and a feeling of being intellect. Rather say it’s been a creative and a year of revelation of truth, a new dimension in life.

Well, I was just so blessed to share all the above with Mr Beau and most of it was taught by him.

When I was single, I definitely was more in a state of being free, had the choice to do anything, anytime, no responsibilities, basically life was very light and carefree but marriage has given me moments of immense satisfaction with oneself which I wonder I would have experienced when I was single. Marriage is something, which is so delightful and if you want to evolve as a person you should experience it.

So far it has been a lovely journey “A Year of Togetherness”. I’m sure the years ahead are going to be a lot more different and lots of change. I guess all we need to do is just EXPLORE!

HAPPY 1^st TO US

NYC and Me

It’s been more than a year since I wrote anything new or to be more precise anything meaningful or meaningless. An existence without expression is a bad thing, its something like if you don’t see your reflection in the mirror for days, you definitely are going to get uglier by the day. So to save myself, I thought writing and reflecting my thoughts would be a good idea. 

And since the day I have moved to the US i have only been embroiled in answering questions, which taper down to just one topic“ How do you while away or kill time?”  So now that I have the time, a new place to explore, I will have more to express and lots to write.  

Friday the 13th of Jan was the day I landed to the US. Could there be unluckier or rather luckier day to start the new phase of my life?  Had come with a complete different mind set, a new hope, something’s to explore, something’s to discover, something’s to learn and unlearn but most importantly to grow as a person and to develop a strong bond with the guy who brought me here to the US. Lets name him Mr Beau.

I never wanted to settle abroad, I always thought life here in the US is shit, but very addictive, and especially for us Indians. We make a lot of money, get a wooden house, a BMW, but at the end of the day we are just a miser here. After staying here for around 2 months, I realized that all my above pre conceived notions are not mere notions but facts.

But there are also lots of good things about staying in the US too. One among them is easy access to travel .I still get so amazed by the fact that people staying in NJ go to a complete different state NY to work. In India this would be operationally so difficult.
Anyways, so far I have been to New Jersey (I stay here.) Washington DC, Maryland, Virginia and New York.

Let me start with place I liked the best, NEW YORK.

My first visit to New York was to visit Mr Beau’s office. It was a Saturday early afternoon, we went via bus, on the way to New York, you can see the New York Skyline, which looks magically awesome at any point of the day or night.

The bus goes through the very looonng , gloomy Lincoln Tunnel and suddenly once you are out of the tunnel light flashes and all you see is tall buildings and yellow cabs.

The moment I got out of Port authority, thousand words filled my mind. The first thought which came in to my mind was “ Am into some Hollywood Flick? “ It really took me a while to sink in the fact that im in NEW YORK. As usual I was extremely excited. Everything around me was on a move, nobody or nothing was still. The city was charmingly frenzy . One more thing which I discovered very soon was it’s ridiculously difficult to look pretty in this city. It’s a city where fashion never ends.

After visiting Mr Beau’s office my first stop was “The Times Sqaure”, I looked up to Mr Beau and said“ is this Times Square? What’s so great about it” I kind of felt its overrated. Its nothing but crammed with huge vibrant hoarding and crowded with people all the time. In my opinion, what make Times Square… TIMES SQUARE.. are  the people.

If you are a people person, you will love Times Square, and so did I. The place slowly grew on me. You will find people from varied countries, of all color, religion, shapes and sizes. The crowd is incredibly diverse.  It is place where if you have the talent you can get noticed, and at the same time you can be a ghost in the crowd. It’s one place where I found everybody to be soo soo happy. I didn’t find a single soul who looked sad there. ;) Funny!

The Naked Cow Boy really grabbed my attention. Extremely popular among the girls.  Can’t imagine anybody in India doing something like this.  Apart from that the NYPD cops are very entertaining too, quite flirty and are forever ready to get clicked. Its place full of glamour and entertainment round the clock.I did visit quite a lot of other places in New York, about which I shall write in my upcoming posts.

There are lot of good things about the city, but slowly I realized there are few things missing too. The city is so electrifying, that you would never see the stars in the night, or see the black of a night.

Whatever said and done, Im stil not a New Yoker, but im loving the city for the only sole reason that each time I have been there I have cherished lovely little moments with Mr Beau and that makes New York city extremely special to me. :)

Portraits

Experiencing The Rock Solid Mountains

When I used to travel in trains, I would catch glimpses of mountains, sky scrapping shapes, deceptively close, and I always was fascinated by them, I loved the Mountains, I don’t know why, I had no specific reason, but there was something that fascinated me.

And may be that’s why one fine day I took on the Himalayas, to just discover the fact that what is it that thrills me so much about the mountains. Just to know myself more, and most importantly to find a meaning. And hence I decided to go trekking.

My first day of the trek was an exhausting task. The mountain had to be labored for slowly, painfully, breathlessly to reach the final destination.

It used to be annoying to walk up the mountains as the initial excitement had died down, not to forget to mention the embarrassment that came along when I used to pant after every two steps. My fellow trekkers would savor each and every moment of their walk. It was a cake walk for most of them. And I envied them, but secretly admired them too.

I would march resentfully with my cousin, and my mind would say and insisted that I didn’t know anything and I should “observe”.

I was exhausted, deep inside a thought sprung up, it kept pricking me, ”Do I really love the mountains, or was it just a myth?” I suddenly felt like till now I was living a false belief that “mountains fascinated me”. Was I cheating myself? It was like a mind war; As usual I didn’t know what I wanted. I would wallow in self pity; I was tired of climbing those endless kilometers.

But the mind war fortunately came to an end, as the next day we had to force our self to leave our cozy beds on a freezing morning to see the sunrise.

The sunrise was SPLENDID, there was a sudden ray of optimism, my mind was clear, and everything just fell into place. Looking around through the crystalline air, made me feel I was on the roof of the world.

From the even carpets of clouds, emerged a few scattered peaks. Everything was just so pure, everything was just so perfect. There was an air of wisdom, let us call it there was clarity of thoughts. I was more self aware.

The climb had been a grueling five hours, the magical peak time less than ten minutes, and I knew which would remain strongest in my memory.

 From then on, climbing up was not an exhausting task, I loved the pain, the heavy breathing, the fear of falling when you see down the hill, the adrenaline rush; I lived and loved every moment. I was more than happy.

After that I wanted to take pleasure in every step I took, I wanted to soak everything in and for this reason alone I wanted everything to be in slow motion. It was simply awesome.

Long back I had read somewhere; “one of the secret of happiness is surrounding oneself with wonderful people”. And yes my fellow trekkers were wonderful; the best part was they inspired me by just being themselves.

Sometimes I felt I was so petty, so unkind, so small, so selfish, and materialistic among them. Some of them had a complete different perspective towards life. I didn’t know people could be so kind and helpful even to strangers. So I am glad that they happened to be my fellow trekkers.

I owe this trek lot of things, I owe it my love for this planet, the love for the nature, I owe it my growth and my never ending quest to explore.

So now the mission ahead is to do lot more treks, in other words I think I should just stop doing Google search for a meaning, get out of the four walls and just start living. :)

FOOT SLOGGED - EXPLORED A NEW WORLD

Edit HTML